The mind is a funny thing. It's interesting to me how much power our thoughts have over us. Although I don't like to admit it, I will - my mind convinces me on a regular basis that I'm not good enough in all types of ways. I'm not healthy enough, not active enough, not worthy enough, not attractive enough, not talented enough... the list goes on longer than I'd like to admit.
But the Lord created me, didn't He? I am fearfully and wonderfully made. While I am far from perfect, I should not doubt his creation.
Paul and I became youth leaders at our church almost 2 years ago. It's funny, if you would have told me 10 years ago that I'd be walking in my parents' footsteps as a youth leader, I'd have more than likely laughed in your face. But you know what? We love it. We've both struggled with finding our true purpose in life, and we've tried various things... when we landed with the youth, we'd realized we'd found our niche.
I bring that up because we also recently started small Bible study groups with the teens who were interested. Paul takes the guys, I take the girls. I look forward to our study nights. Not only do I get to know some amazing young ladies (I cannot express how much I love our youth group.. they are such a blessing) better at each meeting, I also learn more about the Lord, grow closer to Him and have the opportunity to examine myself and my relationship with Him.
Our last chapter covered the topic I struggle with most - confidence, self esteem - and focusing on what matters most, what's INSIDE.. not outside. I'm the leader, and here I sat preparing for the lesson with this book.... and had nothing I could write. Nothing positive I could say about myself. I know that was the Lord telling me to stop sweating the small stuff, quit worrying and let it go. Have I done it? Well.. I'm working on it. I really am.
Anyway, you're probably wondering where this is going. It's a (not so) brief explanation as to part of the reason I fell into radio silence this last year. I just haven't felt like myself. I've been overwhelmed, overtired, anxious and just generally haven't been taking care of myself as I should. I'm ashamed that I have not accomplished what I wanted to this year. I curled up into a hypothetical ball and wished it all away... But that doesn't solve anything.
What's done is done, I can't take it back - but I can move forward. Will I continue to have missteps and failures? Yes. But I'll pick myself up, dust myself off, and carry on. It's been a long and arduous journey, but I will reach my finish line. I'm just taking the scenic route.