Friday, September 25, 2015

Broken Records Can Be Replaced

I've tried this whole "get-healthy-feel-better-make-a-ridiculous-amount-of-changes-all-at-once-and-become-insanely-overwhelmed" thing so many times before.  So.  Many.  Times.

And then something happens.  Something stressful.  Something bad.  Something overwhelming.   Just.. SOMETHING.   The thing that makes me crumple in a ball and wish it all away.  Which leads to totally derailing the plan, and beginning the whole process over again a few weeks/months/years later.... with an extra dollop of shame and self-loathing, of course.

Then.. I turned 30.  And I thought.. do I seriously not have this figured out yet?  The thing is, I do have most of it figured out.  I just kept sabotaging myself and beating myself up every time I failed. I have the head knowledge, I just need to put it in action and accept the fact that I'm human, I'll fail -- but that doesn't mean I have to continue failing. 

So that's what I've been doing the last few months.  Slowly working towards that goal again. Get healthy.  Feel better.  Move more.  I've tried and failed so many times, I didn't want to broadcast this time because.. what if I failed again?

But I haven't.

Well, wait.  That's a lie.  I have.  But the difference is, when I fail.. I pick myself up, remind myself what I did wrong, and move on - RIGHT AWAY.  Every day is a new day.  So I didn't push that work out as hard as I could, I will next time.   This is a huge difference in my thought process - and it's making a bigger impact than I ever thought it would.  In fact, I've gotten further than I ever have.

Most people have that number in their minds.  That weight they'd like to be, the mile time to hit, the weight to bench, the pant size, the paycheck, etc.  We all have goal numbers.  I have quite a few.   But my first number... it was to see the scale number I hadn't seen in a long time.  If I had to guess, I'd say it's been about ten years.  In previous attempts, I'd gotten SO CLOSE... just to throw it away on one of those "somethings" I wrote about first.  This time, I was determined that wouldn't happen.

Then, one morning... I saw it.  I SAW IT.  And my heart dropped.  And a smile invaded my face.  I DID IT.  I FINALLY FREAKING DID IT.   And the funniest part - this particular morning was a terrible one.  I hadn't slept, I had a huge workload looming over me, and I was just not feeling anything or anyone.  It's funny how something so little can turn our mood around, huh?  I went from "I'm so tired I can't see straight, no one talk to me or risk being throat punched" to "YESSS THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!"

So I feel like I've been a broken record lately.. but guess what?  I replaced the record.  So let's have a dance party and celebrate.  This is only the beginning.

Now, onto that next number...